Buh Bye Drains!!!

The drains - both of them - are OUT!!  WOOHOO!  I feel sooo much better already! 

TMI alert!  I was pretty amused.  Dr. Grace took them out w/o Lisa in the room.  He pulled the left one and didn't immediately put gauze on it to soak up the leftover stuff.  Apparently there was A LOT (there was a clot in the drain so it wasn't draining - the fluid was backing up) so it spilled out and got all over my clothes.  I was pretty amused.

But whatever!  I'm drain free!  =)

Miss me?

Miss me yet?  I just realized that I hadn't posted in a while.  Guess I had a few things going on.  So let's see... We left off with me breaking my ankle and I was going to go see the Orthopedist the next day.

First of all, not trying to trash the man or anything.  But I guess I've gotten really spoiled with all the doctors I've seen lately.  They actually sit and talk to me.  Answer any questions I have.  And make sure I've got all the info I need before leaving the room.  NOT this dude!  He came in.  Took 20 seconds to look at my x-ray, told me I needed a cast and another x-ray in 4 weeks, said he'd find out if my insurance covered an aircast and started walking out the door.  I was like WAIT A MINUTE!  I have questions.  I had to fast forward through my list of questions - he answered them with 1 word responses as he was half standing in the hall.

Then the cast guy came in with an aircast and Monie and I were like, oh, so the insurance covers it.  He said No, probably not, how would I know.  Obviously the doc didn't mention to him that he told us he was going to check the insurance coverage. Which turned out to be 0.  But the whole visit just left a BLAH taste in my mouth.  As I said, I've been spoiled by amazing, personable doctors with lots of patience and a great bed-side manner.

Whatever - I only need to see this guy once or twice more.  So I'll suck it up and deal.

I spent the rest of the week at my place.  THANKS to everyone who walked Chemo for me.  I really appreciate it.  Friday I even got to go to a work spa event - soooo needed that!  Mary Ellen picked me up and dropped me off.  That was sooo sweet of her to do that so I could go.  Saturday I came to Mom and Dad's and had a little 1 year Survivorship party!  Lots of fun.  I'll post pictures eventually.  Thank you to everyone who was able to come!

Sunday I woke up with a fever and a LOT of drainage.  Kind of freaked us out because implants have a higher risk of infection.  And those 2 are kind of signs of it.  I paged Dr. Grace and spoke to his partner - Dr. Owens - she got me on an antibiotic right away and told me to see Dr. Grace the next day.  He was at the hospital in surgery all day but wanted to see me so I went to STA.  He wasn't too worried.  Said it didn't look infected and that he was going to take the drains out on WED!!!  (TODAY!!!! About to go to see him!)

Then I went for my colposcopy.  That doc was also AMAZING!  Its not a fun thing to do by any means, but this stuff is pretty common after chemo.  He sat us down explained the whole thing, answered all our questions, and then was so great during the procedure too.  I'd highly recommend him!  =)  And he said that from what he saw, I don't have anything to be worried about.  Results will be in 2 weeks.  So I'm chilling on that one.

What else... I'm staying in Baltimore till the end of the week.  Things are MUCH easier with Chemo.  But I'll be back home on Sat.  So I hope ya'll don't mind but I'm going to be asking for help walking Chemo when I get back.  If the munchkin didn't pull so hard on the leash, I could probably walk her.  But she is a strong little puppy and can easily throw me off balance with this cast.

Well, I'm off!  Going to see Dr. Grace.  I'll post when I get back and let you know if I got the drains out!

If it ain't broke...

Oh wait... it is broken! =P So let me tell you about my day. I'll start with last night. I was pretty pissed off after the fall and just with SOMETHING else going wrong. But I didn't flip out about it. So I was on the couch with my bag of kale - that Chemo kept trying to jump up and eat - had 2 percocets and even those took about 2 hours to really kick in. So once I was starting to feel a little numb I went over to my bedroom. Turned on the lamp next to my bed - - - and the bulb fused. That was the last straw. I lost it. Later, I realized that the window was open during my screaming and crying fit. So I ended up crying myself to sleep.

Woke up this morning and my ankle hurt way more than it did last night. I called Vienna Fam Med to make an appointment. It was 8:10 when I called. I had an appointment for 8:50. How awesome are they? I called Beth - my neighbor to see if she or Tata - her husband could walk Chemo for me. Se was already at work but suggested I ask Susan - next door neighbor - since she works from home a bit in the morning. So I hobbled over and rang her door bell. She opened the door and I lost it again. She must think I'm a serious psycho.

Her mother also has Breast Cancer. She was going to find out what she needed to have done. Surgery, Chemo, Rads, or some combination of them. So please lots of positive thoughts to Susan's mom!!!

So she got dressed and came over to walk Chemo. THANK YOU SUSAN!!! In the mean time I finally showered - I'll admit it was the first time since Sunday. I did mention I was having a real 'I'm so sad' week, didn't I? - and got dressed. She took Chemo baby out and I went to the Dr.'s office with my home made crutch - my Swiffer. So anyone with a Swiffer sweeper who doesn't know what to do with it - it makes a GREAT crutch if you ever hurt your foot/ankle! Just don't put the cloth on it and it has grip on the floors! ;-)

I went to see Dr. Jenkins today. They took x-rays and say that I had indeed broken the ankle. He said its not on a weight bearing bone - so that is a good thing. He put it in a temporary cast/splint and gave me a list of Orthopedists to go see. I have an appointment to see one tomorrow at 10:40am. Dr. Jenkins said he will probably put me in a walking cast and I'll be in it for about 6 weeks. So looks like I will not be dancing at either Manu's or Tracy's weddings. But at least I'll still be there.

So anyway... the nurse wheeled me out to my car - so I wouldn't have to hobble out there with my Swiffer. We get to the car and my rear left tire was totally flat. I just lost it again when I saw that. I called Dad, Roadside assistance, and Coach Bob - he had called me while I was waiting for the x-ray results. Dad was going to drive down to help. Roadside assistance was going to come out within an hour and a half. But then Coach Bob said he could be there in 25-30 minutes. So he came out and changed my tire. Then we went to a gas station where I got the tire patched - there was a nail in it. And I took off for Baltimore. THANK YOU COACH BOB!!!! I really appreciate the help!!!

By this point I had finally stopped breaking down and crying and was laughing at my day. And realized that I really needed to take it easy. I wasn't listening to the gentle reminders so this was the universe's way of beating it into me with a baseball bat. So I made it to St. Agnes and got teased up the wazoo about my new 'job' cleaning floors. Thanks Swiffer crutch! (I really should re-package and market them!) I saw Dr. Griffiths and we talked about all my latest issues - the ankle, the drains, the surgery, the internal hemorrhoids, my abnormal pap, reacting to the zoloft after 4-5 days and stopping it - and then she sent me off for herceptin. We pre-medicated me - benedryl and decadron - and I was ok for the whole thing! WOOHOO! Go steroids and benedryl! Sucks to be on them, but happy to NOT react to the drug.

Monie came and hung out with me while I was getting my drip. Then - since I'd only had some trail mix to eat all day - we went to the cafeteria and had a bit to eat. Dad met up and brought me a crutch that I had from when I messed up my ankle or knee - don't remember which it was - back in HS. I can't use it yet. It hits me RIGHT where the drain is. So its all about the Swiffer for now! And then I headed home!

Nimbu met me here when I got home. She walked Chemo, did my dishes, and is now out getting me some groceries and dinner from Chipotle. THANK YOU NIMBU!!! You are AWESOME!!! Beth was going to go to Target so she's going to try to find my bulb and see if they have a cane there that I can use. THANK YOU BETH!! And Zina - who I've been e-mailing with all day - just called offering to walk Chemo too! I'm definitely going to take you up on that. THANK YOU ZINA!!!

And THANK YOU to MONIE and DAD!!! Monie is coming over tomorrow to go to the Ortho appt with me. And Dad is offering to come stay with me till I'm ok to walk. And Anu/Jit's advise is to stay off of it as much as possible and LISTEN to the docs about not over doing it so I don't do permanent damage like Jit did. I get it. I agree. So Holly, Coach Bob, and the Cancer to 5k team, I'm officially transitioning from a runner to a cowbell ringer for this season!

So Nimbu just got back and we are going to eat. THANK YOU all for the calls and emails and texts and offering to help! I really appreciate it and I'll be taking you up on it. I can't do this one alone and finally realize that. I'll keep you posted after I see the Ortho tomorrow.

And the pict is from this morning. Coach Bob took it for me.

My wonderful f'ing day continues...

So the session with Tom was just what I needed. I'm going to actually let myself take it easy this week without feeling bad about it. The todo list is going to wait till next week. I think I just need this time. Just deciding to do that made me feel better.

So afterwards I picked up dinner and came home. Ate. And then took Chemo for a walk. STUPIDLY I let her take me where she wanted to go. In the grassy area where I couldn't see the ground. I must have stepped on an uneven spot, twisted my ankle and fell. I heard something crack or snap or something when I fell. I'm really hoping it was something I stepped on. I was lying there for what felt like forever and just couldn't get up. When I finally did, it took me forever to get back to my place and it hurt so f'ing bad. I feel bad for Chemo, she got yelled at a few times on the way back. I really didn't need to take that out on her cuz it was totally my fault.

So now I'm lying on the couch - just took 2 percocets - with frozen kale on my ankle waiting for the throbbing to stop and wishing this day/week would just be over. And Please don't call me tonight. I'm just going to try and pass out.

And sorry, but I think I'd be better off postponing the Thursday HH. I figure I should give my ankle some time to heal up and would rather do it when I can be excited and happy and not have my drains in. Sorry for the late notice.

Today is Livestrong day...

Its Livestrong day. If you don't know what that is you can read up on it here: http://livestrongblog.org/2008/02/26/livestrong-day/ YACS-DC is having an event at Stetson's in DC. I was trying to psych my self up to go. But I'm going to go see Tom instead. I missed my session on Saturday and kinda really needed it. So I figure that's what I need to do today.

So the weekend was ok. The walk was fine. The weather held out. I was exhausted when we finished. Not a clue how I'm going to do 20 miles a day for 3 days. I know its in October, but 3 miles and I ended up sleeping the rest of the day. Guess I need to start 'training' for that. The day ended up up not being the greatest because I was cranky - barely had any sleep the night before - and Monie and I got into a fight.

Yesterday I barely did a thing. It was dreary and I'm still pissy that I have drain in, I'm not sleeping well, I'm really sore, and it hurts like hell when I move in a way that pulls on the stupid drains. The drainage is down to 47 and 85. Still no where near what it needs to be to get them out. They need to be somewhere near 10-15cc/day for Dr. Grace to take them out. He said usually ppl have them out about 2 days after surgery. I'm already over a freaking week. I spoke to Lisa today and she said that he's not surprised mine are taking longer since I'd already had a surgery in the same area. Guess it takes longer to heal then.

What else? Today I did practically nothing again. And my house is still a federal disaster area. I hope I get some sort of motivation soon to get me going and get me in a better mood.

As soon as I posted I got a call from my caseworker at ACN. Now I feel like an even bigger jerk. He started off asking if my surgery was for cosmetic purposes since the firm doesn't cover that within the STD policy. I kinda snapped at him and said. No! I have Breast Cancer! I really didn't need to be mean to this guy and now I feel like an even bigger jerk.

An Update...

Thought I'd send you folks and update. I've been a little pissy lately. Geee... go figure. On Friday I called Lisa to tell her what my drainage was and she said I'm not getting my drains out anytime soon. I'll call back Mon, Tue, Wed .... next week and let her know what it is each morning till its finally down to 10 or 15 cc per day. And then I'll be able to go in and get them taken out. Right now the left one is around 115cc/day and the right is around 60-70cc/day. Oh Joy. What fun it is walking around with drains under my shirt.

And yes. I've finally taken a look. I know I should be more excited but I'm really not. I guess somewhere in some irrational portion of my brain I thought that I'd look somewhere near 'normal' or somewhere close to what I used to look like. And I don't. Not by a long shot. I don't think I could look any better than I do. I think Dr. Grace did an amazing job. I just had some unrealistic expectations. Who knows, maybe it will end up looking a little more normal once the swelling goes down, the drains come out, and the stereostrips come off. Guess I'll just have to wait and see.

So anyway... here is what I registered for one day when I was pissed off - remember when I got those two tickets in one day? Well, I was a bit annoyed. So here is what I got. And we're doing the Y-Me walk tomorrow morning. I'll post pictures of the family wearing the new t-shirts.

Exhausted...

So I guess Monie was right... I was just pushing to get to my 'goal' and now I'm beat.  I was totally focused on getting to group tonight.  And I made it there.  That I just didn't even realize that I was seriously sore and exhausted.  I know that this surgery was no where near as bad as the mastectomy.  I guess I was seriously trivializing it.  Making it out to be absolutely nothing.  Really not the case.  I guess it was a slightly bigger deal that I thought it was.

So anyway... I've learned my lesson and I'm taking it easy.  I'm pretty sore right now so I'm going to take a percocet and go to sleep in a few. 

But before I do... I have to say that I'm really glad I went to group tonight.  I may not have gotten everything off my chest that I needed to - literally - but just being around these women made me feel so much better.  Its like I don't have to say it all, they just get it.

And group was great.  But getting to talk to Asha, Elizabeth, Jeanne, Christy, and Christine during dinner was what I really needed.  So, thanks!

And in case you were wondering... Dr. Grace said that everything was healing nicely.  I have a bit too much fluid coming out for him to take out the drains.  So I'm going to call Lisa on Friday and let her know what the output is and then she'll let me know if I need to come in to have one or both taken out.  Or if I need to have them in until Monday.

The morning after...

In spite of taking another percocet this morning I couldn't fall asleep.  So instead of tossing and turning, figured I'd get up and do something.  Plus I'm sure I'm going to take more than a few naps during the day.  I'm exhausted, sore, and a bit uncomfortable - but still can't sleep. Lying down just isn't the most comfortable position.  Sitting, is actually a lot better.

So like Monie said, Dr. Grace was really happy with how everything went.  I'm too much of a chicken to take a look.  Figure I'll see tomorrow when I go in to see him.  That will be soon enough.

Thanks for all the positive thought, e-mails, texts, calls, and comments.  Sorry if I haven't responded yet.  I'm a little slow.  Guess I have a legit excuse for now.  =) 

Not sure what else to write at the moment.  Maybe I'll post later when I'm not as fuzzy.

Oh something funny that I remembered yesterday but don't think I posted at the mastectomy time.  Did I tell you guys that they registered me as a BOY?  I know that there are a few guys out there who have gotten breast cancer.  But seriously, a BOY named JESSICA coming in for a double mastectomy?  Wouldn't that seem a LITTLE odd to you?  Odd enough to at least double check?  I was pretty amused.  I'm guessing the registration folks did that for me.  When the nurse came in to do my id verification she caught it.  It was pretty funny.  Or at least I was amused.

I also did a little 'art work' for Dr. Grace.  For the mast I circled my boobs and wrote "Chop here", made a smiley face on my stomach and said "Have a nice day".  He was pretty amused - but was like "No one's doing any CHOPPING today!"  LOL! - and he wants the picts so he can use them for a conf.  (Of course I took picts!  Just don't think they would be appropriate to post.)  So when he walked in yesterday he asked if I had left him any messages this time.  I asked if he expected anything less of me.  This time I wrote "To be Replaced" pointing at the expanders.  And wrote "Happy Monday" with a little flower on my stomach.  Totally forgot it was Cinco de Mayo.  Oh well.  =) 

She's Home...

Just to let you know, everything went well! Jessy is home and drowsy, but loves getting your messages, texts, calls etc.

 

It took a bit longer for her because she got nauseous in the recovery room. They gave her Phenergan which knocked her out for an hour.

 

She's got two drains, but already her range of motion is so much better than after the mastectomy.

 

Thanks for your good wishes and continued support!

 

 

 

 

Exchange Update

Sorry for the delayed update, we had a late start. At first we thought they deliberately told Jessy the wrong time so that she would be on time for a change. But actually, Dr. Grace's previous case went longer than expected. They rolled Jessy back around 1:40pm. Surgery is expected to take 1 hour 45 minutes. Will keep you posted!

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So I have surgery tomorrow...

Its the night before my - hopefully - second to last surgery. Pretty exciting that we are this far along, huh? Tomorrow, for those of you I haven't told yet, is my exchange surgery. I'm getting the expanders exchanged for implants. YEAH! Hopefully I'll look a little more symmetrical after that.

Its a 2 hour procedure. Dr. Grace said its going to be outpatient. And I'll only need to be doped up for a couple of days. Monie keeps telling ppl that I'm insisting on making it back to VA by Wed night cuz I have dinner plans. So not true! I have group and a post group HH to go to. Totally different than just dinner plans.

What else can I tell you. Today has been a pretty packed day. Probably packed the day so I wouldn't have time to think. When I have time to think, I get mopey and sad and freaked out. No point in that. Today was a real IIN packed day. I started off having brunch with Tara and Monie at Cafe Delux - Really yummy if you haven't been. I had the sweet potato pancakes. REALLY good! Then we did a little bit of shopping. I ran home, walked Chemo, and high tailed it out to Ballston to meet Sri, Tati, Alice, and Bahiyya for a group session. Really productive and I got a lot out of it. After that, I went home and had my counseling with Michelle. Also very helpful. Then had a conversation with Danielle - who is going to be my counselor. And then Chemo and I headed out to Baltimore and I got on my weekly call with my other IIN group. So I have a bunch of action items and to do's for the week. And just feel good about what I'm doing. So lots of positive stuff coming out of that.

So I made it home and chatted with Mom, Dad, and Monie. And the paparazzi came and started snapping pictures of the baby. I guess it just can't be helped since she is super cute. I posted a few of the pictures on here.

So what else can I tell you... I'm partially excited about tomorrow. Partially freaked out. or FINE as Monie says - F'd up, insecure, neurotic, and exhausted. Not really sure what else to say about it. Trying not to dwell too much on stuff. We are going to head over to the hospital around 8ish. Drop off my car so I can get my rear brakes replaced on the way - since it takes a few hours, tomorrow is the perfect day to do it. Then I'll go to the infusion room and get accessed. And then to pre-op admission by 9:15. They will use the port to put me under and then put in the IV once I'm passed out. Cut me up after that and then I'll wake up and go home. Nothing too traumatic. So anyway... tomorrow will be fine and I'll look almost normal after we're done! So have fun at work tomorrow and be sure to send me lots of positive thoughts between 11:15 and 1:15.

And if you want to know how things went, check back here in the early afternoon. Monie will post after I'm done and let ya'll know how it went.

When it rains, it pours!

So I know I need to get out of this funk.  I think my last several posts were pretty negative.  I'm not about to apologize for that, but just need to change that cuz I HATE feeling BLAH and icky. 

 

So today was Herceptin day and my Pre-Op with Dr. Grace.  Last time during Herceptin, I started feeling woozy and light headed.  We thought it was just due to eating the Brownies that Gail made for me - SO YUM!  Or maybe the fact that I was dancing around the room with my IV pole.  So today - no brownies and no (iv) pole dancing.  And still, I started feeling HORRIBLE about half way through.

 

We stopped the drip.  Kathy took my BP it had dropped down to 80 something over 50.  Pretty low for me.  And I just felt awful.  We waited till to started to subside and then she started it up again.  And within a few minutes, I started to feel bad again.  I ended up having to get steroids to help with the reaction and then we ran it in really slowly.  But I was just ANNOYED!  This is supposed to be the easy stuff!  I'm not supposed to feel crappy during Herceptin?!?!?

 

So anyway... Dr. Griffiths ordered another heart scan to make sure the Herceptin isn't jacking up my heart.  And I'm going to go back on the Decadron - steroids - before each infusion.  Guess that weighloss thing isn't happening anytime soon!  =(  This really freaking SUCKS!!!

 

So ... have to find a positive side to things... Appt with Dr. Grace was great.  I'm going to be an outpatient.  I can get put asleep via the port and then they can do the IV in my arm once I'm under.  And I should be off of pain meds within a few days.  So I'm NOT canceling my Wed night plans!  =)  I'm supposed to go to group in georgetown and then we were going to go out after to celebrate Asha getting married.  I'll pass on the drinks, but at least I can still go hang out.

 

Ok, off to meet the Catty Girl's Club for dinner.  Have a good night.

Insomnia strikes again...

But not in a really bad way - just pseudo bad since its after 3am and I'm still awake. So I didn't stay at work for too long today. I was just... well.... not really holding it together today. Pretty embarrassing for me since I'm really not into displaying my emotions in public - especially since I started blubbering to Jon and Amy. BTW - If you guys read this, thanks for letting me vent. So I came home and cuddled with Chemo on the couch pretty much all day. She is such an angel!

Then I went to grab coffee (green tea) with a friend, and headed over to the gym. Had a pretty decent workout and felt so much better.

I'm not going to share all my reflections from today - I'm skipping over the ones that are of the "boo hoo I'm so sad" variety.

Actually before I get into that, just something I've noticed about me. I don't know why, but I have a really hard time talking about some of this stuff when its bothering me. I can write/blog about it, but just can't talk about it. Not sure why. Just thought that was an interesting observation.

On to my reflections... So I guess these things just ARE going to happen to ppl that I know. And it just sucks. But instead of projecting it on me and the other friends in the 'cancer club', I just need to be thankful for who's doing well and be there for the ones that hit a speed bump in their recovery process. And about my friend... First of all her biopsy is on Friday morning. And Secondly, she's a real bad ass. She kicked cancer's butt once and she's definitely going to do it again. Granted, it wasn't in her plan to have to deal with this again, but its not like any of us planned to get cancer.

But when crappy stuff like this happens we just have to have some faith, kick ass, and in a way - roll with the punches. (Of course, if someone said this TO me, I'd probably deck them.)

I'm having lunch with her tomorrow when I get back from Baltimore. I'm glad I'll get to hang out with her. I'm seeing Dr. Falcao tomorrow too. My 6 month post-mastectomy checkup. I was supposed to have lost some weight between then and now, other than the 7 lbs I've lost... really didn't happen. Oh well, I'll get there eventually.

So anyway... One thing I've been doing tonight is coming up with a t-shirt design for the Y-Me walk. Monie and I thought it would be fun to make t-shirts for it. So far this is the one that I like the most. Let me know what you think.

Front:

Back:

The 'new' normal sucks!

I just found out that a friend of mine, who thought she was NED, actually isn't.  They did a PET and found an enlarged lymph node that lit up.  At this point they don't know if its a new primary or if her original cancer metastasized.  She's going to have a biopsy done soon to figure that out. 

Just making me realize.... AGAIN.... that this crap is going to be hanging over my head - and all my new friends' - for the rest of our freaking lives!  It just doesn't end, does it?

Rainy Sunday thoughts...

I've had quite a day.  And an interesting week.  I'll start with today.  I was heading to DC for a YACS-DC leadership committee meeting.  I had just joined the beltway and was in the lane to get on 66 E.  A little red coupe came flying - sideways - across all four lanes and smashed into the guardrail about 10 feet in front of me.  I thought for sure I was going to smash into the driver's side door.  But apparently my brakes were decent enough to stop me before I hit her.  I got out of the car to make sure the driver was ok.  Really nice woman, completely shook up.  Apparently she hit a slick spot and started hydroplaning.  Someone must have been watching over her because crossing all 4 lanes the way she did and smashing into the guardrail as hard as she did - she walked away without a scratch on her.  Her car, on the other hand, was pretty much totaled.

No other way to describe it, but it freaked me out.

On to my week... since its a rainy Sunday, I'm probably being a lot more contemplative today than I usually am.  Maybe that's why I'm posting again after some time.  Lots going on in that usually empty head of mine.  First of all, after having 'bad' days a bit more often than I'd like, I'm back on mood altering 'chemical' help.  That will take a few weeks to kick in.  Hopefully it will make a difference.  But I think I'm sort of getting a handle on what I'm getting so 'bummed' out about.  (Getting a handle on it does not mean that I even have a clue about how to fix it.  But maybe its the first step?)

So 2 main things... lack of control in my life - or should I say loss of control?  And feeling lost.

The loss or lack of control - pretty obvious, right?  I just don't feel like there are any areas in my life where I'm in control any more.  I should be.  Or I should be able to take control of some of them... but for some reason I'm having a hard time doing that.  I'm not used to this.  I guess I'm used to being in control of most things going on with me.  Rather than feeling controlled by life or situations.  Does that make sense?  Not sure how else to explain it.

The feeling lost thing... Looking at everyone around me, everyone has a plan or a goal.  Some are focused on their careers, relationships, families, planning a wedding, etc.  But everyone has a vision or path that they are heading down.  And they have an idea about where or which direction they want to head in.  I don't any more.  Before, I was pretty focused on my career.  Wanting to make it to the next level.  Wanting to make sure that my project succeeded.  That doesn't drive me any more.  And I feel bad admitting this, but I'm going to work solely for the paycheck and health insurance.  I don't know where I'm headed anymore, what I want to do, what I'm supposed to be.  That was my identity.  My job/career was.  Now I feel like I'm replacing that with cancer.  But cancer shouldn't be my identity.  Because I'm a lot more than just cancer. 

I can't help but be completely pissed off at all of this.  I was doing pretty well.  Financially secure.  Doing pretty decently at work.  Decent social life.  I'll admit that I wasn't very happy these past several years, but I was doing ok.  And I'm completely pissed that now I'm not... not on any level.  I know eventually I'll find my way back.  And I know that I need to chill because I'm being too hard on myself... that these things take time.  But I can't help but be pissed that I have to deal with all this in the first place.

Not sure what brought about all this stuff... I think I've just been feeling pretty blah lately.  Probably the 'straw that broke the camel's back' was my latest 'issue'.  I was pooping blood - kind of a lot of it.  Apparently not a big deal - internal hemorrhoids.  Pretty common post treatment.  But it was just one more freaking thing to add to this huge pile of crap.

Ok... I think I'm done with my woe is me life sucks pity party for one.  Going to take Chemo out for a walk since its no longer pouring.