Bittersweet Sigh of Relief

Its Sunday night and I've had a pretty stressful weekend. As usual I'm behind on my school work, I picked the worst timing for re-arranging the house again, and I'm starting a new project tomorrow.

I was on the phone with Monie telling her what a crappy week I'm going to have. I have to take 5 exams by Wednesday, I'm not really learning anything for my classes, I'm just trying to do the minimum and get by, I'm a little nervous about the new project, and then I have Cindy's son's wedding this Friday and Saturday.

I was telling her that I'm just so not in the mindframe to study right now. And obviously I'm resisting it since I refuse to keep up with the classes and keep stressing myself out with these massive deadlines. Kind of funny because when I first told Mom, Dad, and Monie that I wanted to go back to school I didn't get the response I had expected from them. I thought they would all say, "Yeah, go for it. That's a great idea!". Instead, I got a lot of hmmm and "are you sure you want to do this right now?" I was pretty annoyed at the time, but now I see what they were saying.

Dad said that instead of going to school right now, I should take it easy and relax. I brushed it off and said I didn't need to. I was ready to get started with my exciting new career. Hindsight is 20-20. But they were right. Its no secret that the past few years have been a little stressful for me. Lets start with work being insane and working crazy hours, add to that the crap with Maheep and the wedding, then being depressed and working myself like crazy for a year - a moment to try to start catching my breath with the leave of absence Dad talked me into taking - and then, "Here, have some cancer", a few surgeries, my life feeling like its completely out of control, a bit of depression... and now. Finally feeling like I can try to start getting it back together, and I add in school. I agree with Dad, Mom, and Monie. Instead of trying to do school right now, I need a moment to catch my breath, relax, de-stress, and just enjoy life for a few.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up on Nursing or the career change or going back to school in general. As of now, I still want to go in that direction. But right now is just not the time for me to do it. Right now is the time for me to take a moment to see that life is good and just enjoy that feeling. When I'm ready to focus on school and ready to enjoy the learning process, I'll go back. But tonight, I sent my professor a note asking her to withdraw me from both my classes.

I am feeling a little guilty - wasted money, giving up when the going gets tough, not following through, etc. But the massive sigh of relief that I'm feeling completely out weighs any guilt!

Tomorrow, I'm going to start my new project - and NOT have to stress about how I'm going to fit in time to read all my chapters and take 5 exams by Wednesday. Instead, I can just enjoy getting acclimated to my new project, having dinner with Mom and Dad tomorrow night, a celebratory dinner for the proposal I was working on Tuesday night, rowing on Wed, dinner with Veena on Thursday, the wedding next weekend... AND Shawnie helping me re-organize my chaos now that I've moved back into the Master Bedroom. (How long did you bet I'd last in the smaller bedroom using the hall bathroom?)

So, just to say it (so you can have it in writing) Dad, Mom, and Monie were right and I should have listened to them. (Be sure to save this since I may not ever admit it again!)
______
I have to add this in... My neice WON the National Debating Championship!! And is quoted in the Sun! (http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/maryland/howard/bal-ho.debate05jul05,0,6818357.story )

Helen

I've met so many amazing and inspiring people in the past 2 years.  But it just sucks that the odds are that not all of these people - myself included - will be here long term.  I know that is a seriously negative and defeatist attitude.  And I know that I'm not properly honoring the memory of the friends that I've lost by thinking this way right now, but isn't that just a cold hard fact?  I just want to yell and scream that it ISN'T fair when I hear of someone who didn't make it.  Especially someone so young.

A young girl, early 20's, still in college.  Just a beautiful person - inside and out.  A gorgeous face and an incredible smile.  An amazingly positive girl with a cute and bubbly personality.  I do feel lucky that I had the opportunity to meet her and get to know her a bit.  But I'm so sad that she's no longer here, she won't get the chance to live out her dreams, and experience all that life has to offer.

Helen passed away last night. She had just gotten settled in her new hospice center on Thursday so to have her gone so quickly is a bit shocking and very sad.

A quote from Holly's e-mail.... Helen has moved on, beyond the struggle, beyond the fight - on her own terms - down a new path. Next run or walk you take, take a moment and remember our teammate Helen and smile and give your finish everything you've got - show the world how you LiveSTRONG! Helen would want it that way.

Sending out all my love to Helen and her family.

Its Break Time!

I've been meaning to post for a week or so but just keep putting it off. So now that I'm in the middle of an all day study and work day... figure I'll use my break time to post. First of all, Yes. I know. I procrastinated again. Yes, I know. I said I wouldn't do that again. Yes, I know. Its stupid and I need to get with the program. Since I know all of that, no need for the lectures.

Before I go on with my babble... If you didn't realize that the photo in the prev blog was a link to an album... Its a link to an album. I got *2* pieces of artwork... not just the one. ;-)

Both my classes were granted an extension on the first deadline by Prof. Miller. I have her for both A&P1 and 2. So I have to take exam 1 for both classes tomorrow. It still makes me pretty behind, but if I get my act together now, I can catchup and not have a hellacious rest of the summer. I'm getting on it.

The update with work. I'm working on a proposal now. Its pretty interesting stuff, but the schedule -as usual - is crazy. We were supposed to have a review COB tomorrow. It got moved to noon. And now its at 8am. So I have to have all of my stuff in decent condition and posted by 7:30 am tomorrow morning. Kind of messes with my study schedule. But I'll get it done. I think I might go out to Reston late tonight to have it all printed and posted, so then I can go do my exams in the AM and be back to work in the afternoon after they have reviewed and will be ready to address comments. I think that might be the best POA. I interviewed with another client for a role on Friday. I hope I get it. I'm up against ppl from 2 other firms. I'll find out by mid next week. If that doesn't pan out, then I'll look at "Going Postal" again. If that doesn't pan out, I have an Air Force thing that they are interested in considering me for, and if that doesn't work out, then I'll talk to the guy who contacted me about an Army thing. So what that means is that HOPEFULLY, I'll be switching from BD work to client work by the end of the month. Especially since the BD work/proposal schedule is already gettin nuts and I sooo don't have the energy for it. Oh and I'm going back to 100% starting 6/16. I figure it will help my chances of getting a chargeable role.

So last week... I told you all I was going to see a new oncologist. Dr. Mary Wilkinson. I really liked her! Great personality. We connected. She seems to really know her stuff, so I'm pretty happy. i'm definitely going to miss Dr. Griffiths and St. Agnes. But I think its impt to start moving my stuff over here so that I can handle appointments with out having to take a whole day for them. So a few things we spoke about... She did some blood work... I'm Vitamin D defficient. Lots of studies showing that decreased Vitamin D levels are linked with increased cancer and recurrence rates. She started me on Vitamin D therapy and we'll re-check after I finish the course of meds. She also explained something that I sort of knew before, but it didn't really register to me before.

So we all knew that getting to 5 years out is a pretty big deal. And its an awesome sign for me. But I never knew some of the details behind it. She explained that cancers that are hormone negative (ER/PR-... estrogen/progesterone -) and her2+ (like mine) have a much greater chance of recurring 3-4 years after the initial cancer. BUT they have a REALLY low chance of coming back say 10/15 years out. So this 5 year milestone is seriously huge!! Basically once I get to that, I can pretty confidently say, "Na na naaa naaaaa... Na na naaa naaaaa... hey hey hey.. GOOD BYE!!!" Needless to say, my 5 year anniversary is going to be a big blowout party! Be sure to put it on your calendars now!!! The Saturday after May 18, 2012! Feel free to send me ideas for my party! Yes, I'm odd and I plan parties 3 years in advance! Deal with it. =)

So something kind of funny... Jeanne... a girl in my support group. Planned a spa night for a bunch of us. I had a great time. We had our spa treatments and then practically closed down the restaurant! So at one point Carrie and I went to the restroom. We were talking about oncologists ... she was in a stall and I was waiting. I said that I switched oncologists to Dr. Wilkinson in Falls Church. A voice from another stall pipes up... "Mary Wilkinson? She's my oncologist too!" Kind of funny! We met another Breast Cancer survivor in the bathroom. Ofcourse we compared port scars and all that stuff! I was seriously amused!

Hmmm... other than that... I had my first We Can Row practice on Wed. We didn't go on the water because there was too much lightening, but we did some stretching and erg machine work. I hope we can go on the water this Wed. Okie... I think I'm done for now. I just finished reading the intro to A&P and the Chemical Basis of Life. Now I'm on to Lymphatic System, Digestive, then back to Cells. That should give me a decent base for the exams tomorrow. Wish me luck!

And since I'm at a coffee shop in Arlington studying today, I thought I'd share what my hardcore-ghetto neighborhood is like... Peace out!

Arlington... The Real Ghetto

Sunday night insomnia...

Deja vu... right? I'm back to being an insomniac. Last night I barely slept. We were in NJ and according to Monie, every few minutes I'd flop around like a fish and wake her up, she'd try to get me to settle down so she could go back to sleep, and then I'd do it again. It was a pretty restless night. Lesson learned! If I'm spending the night anywhere but my bed, take my Ambien with me! Oh and Chemo puppy is not having the same prob tonight... she's passed out! =) Shawnie - my neighbor - babysat for her today/yesterday. They went on a 2 1/2 hour walk so the baby is POOPED! She gives me an irritated look every few minutes as I keep moving around to try to get comfy. Well, at least one of us is sleeping well tonight!

But anyway... lots to share. So this weekend we went to NJ for Mohit and Sonia's Sangeet. I had a really good time. I'm hoping to be able to go to the wedding - but still trying to see if I can work that out. It was just really nice seeing all of them after a long time! Something funny I have to mention... So Dad and Jain Uncle were talking. Jain Uncle told Dad that there was a woman at the party who was an 8-9 year Stage IV survivor. He pointed out a woman in a white-ish sari. So Dad comes over to me and asks if I want to meet a Stage IV Breast Cancer survivor. I was a little hesitant because it was a party and not everyone is as open about all this stuff as I am. But part of me did want to meet her. Dad pointed her out and I walked over. THANK GOD I went by myself (w/o Monie and Dad), pulled her aside and quietly asked her... "I'm so sorry if this is completely inappropriate, but I heard you are a Breast Cancer survivor. Is that true?" "Me? No! It must be another Auntie."

DOH!!!

A not so great part about this weekend... I saw pictures of me... can we say YUCK? We were dancing for a good bit of the night... I could barely make it through a song without getting completely winded. That really sucked too! And then the whole stress about what to wear... I hate that part about going places... I get all stressed out about it because 90% of what's in my closet no longer fits. I know. I know. I've been complaining about this for quite some time now and I need to just get up and do something about it. Can we say - SO MUCH easier said than done? I've been talking to Dr. Erdwins about this, about why I'm not doing these things that I want and seriously need to do. We haven't really gotten too deep into it yet. But I'll let you know once I get some insight into it. But anyway... inspite of these things... I had a good time!

What else is going on? I just read an e-mail from Tracy/Ethel. Tigger, one of her cats, passed away this weekend. I'm sure I don't need to explain how I feel about that. It makes me think about my baby and I can't even handle the thought of it.

On another depressing note... I have yet another 'mysterious' thing broken in my body. I can't remember if I mentioned that like a month or month and a half ago I was having constant dizziness, nausea, feeling like I was going to pass out feelings. Well, it went from constant to intermitten. And then a little over a week ago, the nausea came back with a vengeance. Feeling nauseated every day REALLY sucks. I mentioned it to Dr. Andy (my chiro) he suggested trying ginger. So now I'm drinking ginger water, ginger tea, ginger ale, ginger beer. I eat ginger in everything! And then snack on ginger chews. Oh, and I just had a cup of hot milk with ginger in it. I'm starting to get just a little ginger'ed out.

So the ginger works for a bit, but then the nausea comes back. So Friday I went back to the doc. She didn't have a clue what to tell me. We did some more basic blood work to see if anything changed. I'm seeing my new oncologist **IN VA** on Friday so I can get the "it's definitely NOT cancer" flag. And then she said we might try out an ENT. (And before you ask... No! I'm not pregnant!) At this point I really don't care what it is. I just want it GONE! These random little things that mysteriously creep up are ANNOYING!

Hmmm... what else? I'm joining a rowing club. I went to a rowing workshop Memorial Day weekend. It's a Breast Cancer group... I had such a great time that I'm signing up for their 10 week novice program starting this month. And I think I might just be getting exhausted enough to fall asleep so I'm going to try to do that. But before I do, I have a few funnies for you and some pictures of the presents that I got myself for my 2nd Cancerversary. =) (Yes, the smile means that it isn't anything like what you may have expected I would have gotten for myself. So you may want to check those out! =P)

- I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
- Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
- God must love stupid people; He made so many.
- Procrastinate Now!
- I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
- I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

My 2nd Cancerversary Presents to Myself

Happy (Be-lated) 2 year Cancerversary to me!!

I celebrated 2 years of survivor-ship on Monday.  Don't laugh but, time sure flies by when you are having fun!  =P

I kind of really mean that.  These past 2 years have just gone by in a blur!  I honestly can't believe its been *2* WHOLE years since I was on my amazing trip.  Since I was back in HIHT.  And since I was sitting with the Pathologist in India having her tell me that there is "suspected malignancy".  To which I respond... "Suspected?  That's not so bad!  It means you guys aren't sure."  LOL!  And then she looked at me as if I was totally nuts.

I had a small party on Monday night.  Thank You to everyone who was able to come!  And Thank You to everyone else who sent Happy Thoughts my way!  And Thanks for all my awesome presents! 

So... what else is going on with me?  Well, I got myself a few really great Cancerversary presents.  I'll decide when I want to share those!  I'm back on the bench at work.  Not the greatest thing, but hopefully I'll find an actual project soon instead of jumping to another proposal.  I just signed up for classes again this summer. I think I said a few weeks/months ago that I wasn't going to do that... I changed my mind.  Cest la vie!  I told Dr. Singh that I can no longer see him until the insurance mess is resolved.  I'm back with Dr. Erdwins.  I'm going to a Learn to Row workshop this weekend - its a Breast Cancer thing.  And I've been pretty decent with keeping up with my walking every day!

I've decided that the next baby step in my 'get healthy' plan will be to increase the amt of water I'm drinking.  So I'm going to start working on that today.  I need to get up to 2.5L/day.  I'll slowly work up to it over the course of a week.  I know I keep saying that I need to do this... well instead of just talking about it and making unrealistic plans.. I'm going to take it slowly and do it one step at a time. 

Oh and I've decided that, even thought I absolutely love Dr. Griffiths, I need to find an oncologist in my area.  I was having another random issue a few weeks ago and one of the first things they wanted me to do was to go get the 'all clear' from my Oncologist. I told them I would, but I didn't.  When I need to go to Baltimore for an appointment, I have to take an entire day off of work to do it.  Its totally ok if its just once or twice a year.  But I don't see it going that way.  Whatever happens, they are going to want me to get checked out by my onc.  So I decided to make it easier on myself... I need to find someone local.  =(  Kind of sucks... but it will make things so much easier on me.

Okie... I don't know what else to babble about... Hope you are having a great week.  Here's my funny for the day... or a few of them...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
"I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar."
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

In need of something cheerful or optimistic...

DISCLAIMER: If you watch Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, or Ugly Betty and are not up to date with the episodes.  Don't read this.  I WILL spoil it for you.

So I get that things aren't really happy these days... The economy isn't doing well.  Every time I date to flip across a news channel they are talking about the increase in unemployment, how bad the recession is, another company having a flat quarter, the market continuing to go down, more foreclosures, etc etc etc.  I get it.  Its a pretty depressing time.  So wouldn't you think that the ppl over in TV land would take this into account and maybe liven up their shows a little?  I mean seriously... I watched Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy tonight.  Not much positivity there at all!  Well, Daniel and Molly do get married after she calls off the wedding they were planning because it was going to take too long to plan and chances were that she'd be dead by the time the wedding came along.  So for one brief second there is something happy - in spite of Elena leaving Ignacio - and then they end the stupid show with Molly passed out on the bathroom floor as Daniel is packing for their honeymoon.

So after that barrel of happiness, I watched the season finale of Grey's Anatomy.  SO all season we've been hearing about how Izzy was leaving the show.  And then lately I heard that Izzy was going to stay, but George was going to leave.  And what happens... well among other things like Bailey getting an ultimatun from her husband that she can either take the Peds fellowship or stay married so she decides she is going to get divorced and stay in general surgery... Torez has to cut off this guy's healthy leg... they freaking kill off BOTH George and Izzy!  Izzy signed a DNR before going into surgery which they ignored and tried to recusitate her anyway... but she still died after all their efforts.  And George got creamed by a bus.  He pushed a girl out of the way and got hit himself.  So they are operating on and working on 'John Doe' and then finally he spells out '007' in Meredith's hand and she realizes that its him.  So the day before he's supposed to deploy to Iraq - because he joined the army - he gets killed by a bus.

I haven't seen Private Practice in a few weeks so I don't know if the story has continued beyond this - obviously my flakey DVR isn't a priority these days - but Violet was pretty close to giving birth.  One of her psychotic patients who had a miscariage believes Violet stole her baby so she gave her some sort of drug to paralyze her and now the psycho chic is about to cut the baby out of her.  Violet knows she's going to die but can't do a thing about it.  Oh, and this is JUST after she told Pete that she loves him and wants to be with him.

DOn't you just love that?  One split second of something happy going on and then something has to come crashing down on it. It just makes you feel so optimistic... NOT!!

So I think I'm going to be avoiding tv for a while.  I've actually been pretty happy lately.  And if all it does is depress me, then what's the point of watching it?  Might as well just put on a movie instead - one with a happy ending since I'm in need of those.

Now that I'm done conplaining about TV and the economy... something good... Dr. Erdwins is back from her trip.  I had an appointment with her today.  I'm switching back to her.  I just can't deal with paying all that $$ out of pocket to Dr. Singh and then having such a hard time getting it back from Insurance.  Plus I really like her!  I'm hoping I get to see Dr. Andy tomorrow - my Chiro.  My back has been killing me for way too long now and I just need to get it taken care of.  Cindy is having her yard sale on Saturday... so I'm going to do that on Saturday.  My house has been pretty stagnant lately.  But this weekend I'll find the time to get that final push done.  The big stuff is done... now its just the small stuff.  I'm excited about Monday!  LOL!  but I have to share this..

Here is my funny for this post.  An actual true story.  An example of how completely idioticly stupid some people can be.

So remember some time back when I was complaining about a woman I ran into while walking Chemo.  She asked me if I was worried that naming Chemo 'Chemo' was foreshadowing what's to come for her.  Surprisingly enough I had enough restraint NOT to punch her in the face.  I just chalked it up to her being THE most ignorant person in the world. 

She just got knocked down to the second most ignorant person.  THE most ignorant person asked me why I would want to celebrate my Cancerversary.  Isn't that just asking for it to come back?  How do you respond to that?  "Why YES!  That's the point exactly!  I miss being bald and sick sooooo much that I am inviting my cancer back with open arms!"  How freaking stupid!  I guess I can accurately say that anyone with half a brain would know that I'm celebrating 2 years of survivorship!  But since she only had a quarter of a brain.... she just didn't know any better.  Cest la vie!

Anyway... My ambien is starting to kick in.  I haven't slept well in a few days.  Figured I was due for a good night of sleep.  So have a good night and drop me a note if you will be able to stop by on Monday for my Cancerversary party.  =)

OMG! She's ALIVE!

Sorry for the couple months of silence.  No real reason for not blogging.  I'd think about wanting to post, think through what I wanted to post, but then for some reason - I could never get myself to actually sit down at the computer to post.  I just didn't want to.  Don't ask... I have no clue why.

 

But anyway, I'm posting today!  So Happy Rainy Cinco de Mayo, everyone!

 

Hmmm... So where shall I start with my update for today?  Well, right now I'm sitting at a Starbucks in Fair Lakes waiting to meet Melissa for dinner.  I haven't seen her in months, so looking forward to this.  Other than that my day has been pretty decent.  I worked from home this morning on the proposal effort that I'm on, had a meeting in Rosslyn for my old project, worked some more from home, came out here, saw that there was a massage place running a special for first time customers - its called 'Jus Massage'.  If you go, ask for Tony!! - so I got an amazing and much needed massage, now I'm sipping a cup of coffee and waiting for Melissa.

 

So last I posted, I mentioned that I had a personal 'project' I was working on.  Well, I'm just about ready for the 'reveal' so I might as well tell you all about it.  I met this woman on CL - Cindy - who helped me de-clutter and organize my house.  After she finished, the home remodeling pretty much took on a life of its own.  And basically I'm in the middle of my own personal version of 'Home makeover -Extreme edition'.  For anyone who has seen the way my house usually is... Sorry!  I mean WAS... you will truely be able to appreciate the difference. 

 

For those like Monie and Ethel who have had the priviledge of cleaning it, returning some time later to find it in even worse shape, cleaning it again, repeat... I think, you will be pretty blown away!  Once I'm just about done or before the 18th, I'll post pictures of my 'new' place! 

 

Oh before I forget... About the 18th... The 18th is my 2 year Cancerversary.  I'm taking the day off to celebrate.  I think its momentous enough to need a whole day celebration!  I'll start off my day at Lombardi at a Look Good Feel Better session - that is being televised for Fox News!  (Spotlight, please!)  Then I have a few things planned.  And in the evening, I'm having a small and informal party at my house!  (DUal purpose actually.  One to celebrate and Two to show off all that I've done!)

 

So, I'm not being formal about invites for my party at all!  I do realize that it is a Monday night so it may be difficult for some folks to make it.  If you can't make it, no worries, just send lots of happy thoughts my way!

 

If you can make it, Please come!!  I'd love for you to be there to celebrate with me!  Just send me an e-mail by the 13th to let me know if you will be there so I can plan for food and drinks.  =)

 

Hmmm... what else...

Well, I've been de-hermity these days.  While I was focused on the house I was bailing on plans left and right.  But now I'm being much more social.  Even dating a little bit.  And surprise surprise - for those who are keeping track of my meds - I am no longer on Welbutrin or Zoloft.  (WOOHOO!!)  I did start back on a baby dose on an SSRI type of drug (I stopped both Zoloft and Welbutrin cold turkey - NOT the proper way to stop taking those.  I had some weird side effects, so Beth put me on this so we could taper me properly.  In about 2 weeks, I'll be off of this too!)  Is that awesome or what??

 

Still on Syntheroid, but its the lowest dose available so I'm ok with that for now.  But eventually, I'll find my way off of that as well.

 

We are doing the DC Race for the Cure this year.  If you are interested, here's the link to the team page: 

http://globalrace.info-komen.org/site/TR/GlobalRaceForTheCure/GlobalRace?team_id=106440&pg=team&fr_id=1140&s_tafId=18760

I'm sure there's been other stuff that's happened over the past few months.  I'm just drawing a blank right now and can't really think of what else to share right now.  I guess that means I should just leave it for the next time I post.

DUH!!  I just went to my *15* year high school reunion this weekend!  I ended up having a great time!  I almost bailed on it that day, but now I'm really glad I went.  =)  

And for those of you who have been asking what's going on with me, why I haven't been posting, and if I was ok, etc... Thank You for checking up on me!  And Thanks for asking me to post!  And sorry for being silent for so long!

So here's my funny for today...

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"  

 

My last surgery is DONE!!!

I'm sitting at Mom and Dad's sitting on ice packs!  Very fun!  So let me share a few things going on these days...

 

I'm still on the bench and looking for a project.  I found out that instead of the 2-4 day recovery period I thought I'd have, its supposed to be more like a week since they had to do both sides.  No pain in the chest area, just difficulty walking because of where they took the skin grafts from.  (In case I didn't say it earlier - and sorry if this is TMI - but today Dr. Grace was going to take skin grafts from my groin area and make nipples.)  Since I have no nerve sensation in the chest area skin - no pain there even though he had to cut the area a bit to attach the grafts.  In the groin area... 2 pretty decent sized incisions.  Those are seriously OUCH!!  So anyway, I'm on another Short Term leave.  I go back to work on the 30th.

 

Apparently I'm pretty predictable.  As usual, I was running late to the hospital.  I was supposed to be there at 12:30 after dropping Chemo off at Mom and Dad's and picking Dad up.  Instead, I had to ask Nonu to drop Dad off at the hospital so he could take Chemo home and I wouldn't be more than 15 min late.  Monie said she should have bet that I was going to end up doing that.  But in my defense, and something unexpected, before leaving my place I finished almost all of my laundry, folded and put it away - except socks and the clothes to be hung up.  Changed the sheets on my bed, vaccumed my room and the floors, loaded the dishwasher, and tidied up a tiny bit.  Figure if I'm going to be lying around for a week, I'd be less stressed looking at less of a mess.

 

Something else unexpected... I thought we'd be doing IV sedation, but Dr. Grace opted for General Anesthesia instead since he was going to be cutting into 4 different areas.  He wanted me to be pain free during the procedure.  After I came to, one of the nurses was asking me if I had already started taking classes towards my nursing degree.  I was surprised and asked how she knew about it!  She said I had told her in the OR.  Now I'm wondering what other tid bits I shared with them!

 

Yesterday I went and saw Dr. Griffiths for my 3 month checkup.  She said everything was looking good!  I also saw my chemo nurses - Cheryl, Jo, Kathy, Cathy, Gail, Kim, Kim, and Robin; Kevin, Lois, Kristin, Della, and a few other folks.  Then I met Cindy - a new friend - for lunch.  When I got home, I found a dribble of dried peanut butter about 3/4 of an inch on the side of my chin.  COMPLETELY noticable!  LOL!  Monie said that everyone was telling her how good I looked!  Apparently Peanut Butter suits me!  I just can't believe no one told me!  =)

 

What else... its kind of a surreal feeling that the LAST step of this 'adventure' is DONE!  I know this sounds weird, but it made me feel better knowing that there was one more thing left.  Dr. Singh said I was using it as a crutch - that's why I scheduled it instead of putting it off for a few more months.  Now its done.  And I get to move beyond this.  Put it all in the past.  Probably easier said than done, but its the next thing for me to work on.  So step one in that is a 'project' my new friend Cindy is helping me with next Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  In order to make sure I don't jinx myself, I'll share the details after the project is complete. 

 

Okie... I'll wrap this up.  Its past 11 and I'm still totally wide awake.  Possibly because I took a 4 hour nap today!

 

Here's my funny for tonight - a few funny sayings:

- If I go any faster I'll burn out my hamster!

- Next mood swing: five minutes

- Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off.

- With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.

- Of course I'm listening to you; don't you see me yawning?

- It's all right to be stupid, but you're making a career out of it.

- Don't let your mind wander. It's not stong enough to be allowed out on its own.

I'm 33.... ICK! That sounds OLD!!!

So I turned 33 on Wednesday.  Happy Birthday to Me!  It was kind of a good birthday - except my lazy ass friends bailed on cleaning my house!  *sigh* I know!  How rude of them!  =P

Not that its a good thing, but I'm currently unstaffed.  But to get to spend your birthday week at home relaxing and playing with the puppy, Kind of nice! 

So, what else is going on - other than my being in a pensive mood?  Something kind of funny.  So for the last two sessions I had with my shrink, he was really unnerved.  I thought it was really funny!  It was so bad that he's been pacing around the room.  So usually when I went in to see him - I was generally "Boo Hoo! So sad" Jess.  These last two, I've been happy, in a good mood, and pretty upbeat - even though there are lots of things going on at the moment that aren't the greatest.  But I'm still doing ok with all of it.  He's getting a little more comfortable as he tries to figure out what brought on the change... but he's still perplexed about where it came from.  Which, of course, amuses me to no end!

For those of you keeping track of my meds... we took me off of leagalized speed (aka ritalin) (YEAH!) AND dropped my Zoloft dose.  I've been missing meds left and right and am still doing fine.  So I asked if we could cut back the dosage a bit.  Oh!  AND amazingly enough, I haven't taken sleping pills in a while now!  YEAH for small victories! 

Two people I'd like to ask you to keep in your thoughts... one friend is just about to start her second 'cancer-venture' and another just had a bilateral mastectomy yesterday.  Both of them have SUCH an amazing attitude about it all! 

On the happy side... Both Jeans and Ethel are preggers!!  Jeannie is having her second daughter!  And Ethel is selfishly only having ONE rug-rat!  *sigh*  If she was having twins, I called dibs on one of em.  =)  I can't wait to see their kids!

And that's about all I feel like witing about at the moment. I'm going out with a few ppl tonight for dinner and bowling to continue the birthday celebration week.  *sigh*  And the shrink said that I really need to work on not being such a hermit most of the time.  =(  I'll work on it though...

Anyway... here's my funny of the day... Have a great weekend!  And I'll talk to you later!
-----------------

This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.

- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

- THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

- This is a lighthouse. Your call. 

Happy Clean PET scan Day!

WOOOHOO!!!  I'm on a conference call right now, but Dr. H called in during so I flipped over for a few minutes...

 

Jessy's got another CLEAN scan!!!  =) 

 

Massive sigh of relief since - not a clue why - but I just had a bad icky feeling about this one.  So now on to 6 months of BLISS!  =)

 

Hope you have as good of a day as I'm having!  =)

 

Clean PET... Clean PET... WOOOHOOO I have a Clean PET!!!  =)

 

Here's something to hopefuly make you laugh.....

Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into t heir magazines, secure in the knowledge that the pl ane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

My new favorite place to go...

I have fallen in love with Bear Rock Cafe!  Free wi-fi... nice people... never super crowded... I never get kicked out... what more could you ask for?  Oh and yeah, they have good food and great coffee!

 

So anyway... I seem to come here a lot lately (ever since Karim introduced me to the place) to study or do work on my work from home days.  I've finally realized that actually working from home with an adorable little puppy to distract me is not very productive.  Cuz, DUH!!!, anyone in their right mind would want to play with the puppy instead.  And yes, I know she is 'technically' no longer a puppy.  But I go with Monie's definition - Puppy=cute, Dog=Non-cute.

 

What shall I babble about today?  I finally saw Slumdog Millionaire - it was a really awesome movie.  But I have to say, the cheezy non-dance dance number at the end was not the best way to end the movie.  I know all desi movies need to have a dance number... but if you are going to do one, then throw some nice dance moves in there!

 

I also had my PET scan on Friday.  I'm trying to keep myself super busy so I'm not fixating on waiting for the results.  But lets face it, its pretty hard to get that out of my mind.  Just a few more days of agonizing, then I'll have the results.  At the latest should be by COB Tuesday.  Kind of great that I have group on Wednesday night and then see my shrink on Thursday.

 

I know I've been raving about my awesome insurance so far, but I have to say I'm not so happy with them these days.  So far this year I've spent over $2000 on shrink bills - they don't bill insurance directly but they are in-network.  So United healthcare should be reimbursing me 100% for these visits since I've already met all my deductibles.  So far they denied one claim and the rest are 'In Process'.  I will be calling them on Monday to find out what is going on.  And sadly, I'm not going to schedule another appointment with my shrink until I get the reimbursement stuff figured out.  Its a lot of $$ out of my pocket and I definitely didn't budget for it nor can I afford it if I'm not getting reimbursed.  I sooo can't wait till Dr. Erdwins gets back.  Her rates are more reasonable and she bills insurance directly.

 

What else?  Can't think of anything else to tell you other than my next (and final) reconstruction surgery is scheduled for March 19th.  I'm definitely looking forward to being done!!  Anyway... I'm going to head home because obviously I'm no longer being productive.  Have a good weekend and I'll let you know once I get the results.

 

 

My Starbucks Cup...

I was an insomniac again.  Fell asleep sometime after 3:30.  Was up at 8.  So needless to say, I'm soooo tired!  I just went down to get some Starbucks to help me stay awake today and was really amused at what was written on my cup.

 

The Way I See It #295

Can we laugh at cancer? Is it funny to lose your breasts? Am I crazy to have humor when I lose my hair? Should I ignore the giggles while receiving chemo?  What if I nudge someone and sneak a smile, even though I have no eyebrows?  Is it inappropriate?  Don't be offended, it beats waxing!

 

Made me laugh, so I wanted to share.  And I scheduled my PET scan for Friday morning.

Thursday night babbling...

I guess I go through phases with the blogging - and these days I must be in a pretty 'expressive' phase.  Today was an interesting day.  I was supposed to have an appointment with Dr. Grace in B-more and I had decided that I was going to go ahead and schedule my final surgery.  I think talking to my new shrink is making me realize that I'm putting off too many things... I'll do this after I am BLAH... He says its a protection mechanism.  Plus a lot of other stuff about not feeling deserving and all that. I think he's right. 

So I'm going to stop with the excuses and putting things off for lame reasons. 

But anyway... as usual, I was running late and traffic was a mess.  I called to tell them I'd be late.  Dr. Grace had to be out of the office by 11 (my appt was at 10:15) so we rescheduled for next week - middle of the day so I don't have to deal with rush hour traffic. 

But anyway... that just kind of put me in a pensive mood thinking about all the things I put off.  So when I was taking a break for lunch, I took Chemo to the dog park.  I keep telling her I'm going to take her but we barely make it there once a week.  She had sooo much fun there!  She still prefers to watch and sniff, but every now and then she would go run around with the other dogs.  I had a bag of treats with me, so I was pretty popular and got to play with all the little puppies!  =)  Chemo is definitely the prissy dog at the dog park, but she was growling, running, and playing with the rest of them. 

I also ran into Ed there.  He was with his dog Zoe - really cute!  I met him a few years ago when I thought I was all into triathlons and he was coaching a tri team.  Its a really great program, but I totally admit that I wasn't committed/dedicated to it.  He worked for a consulting firm, but dreamed of doing this full time.  Now he is.  I guess seeing other ppl going through that mid-30's career change - and being happy - makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing. 

What else can I tell you?  Well, I feel like a bit of a nerd - but a happy nerd!  I know I totally procrastinated and I'm soooo not doing that again!  But It turned out ok!  =)  I got a 8/8 on quiz 1; a 7.5/8 on quiz 2; a 10/10 on the assignment; and an 86/100 on the exam - which is an A with the curve.  =)  What the hell... I am DEFINITELY happy with that!!!  =)

Hmmm... what else... for those of you interested in the crazy meds I'm on... for a while there Dr. Singh put me on trazadone to help me sleep since I'm kind of an insomniac lately.  But that totally didn't work for me b/c I'd take it in the evening, fall asleep about 5-6 hours later, and then be dead to the world for 8-9 hours waking up at 11 or noon.  Not really a workable solution!  So I dropped that and am taking tylenol PM when I need to - same sedative as in benedryl.  (One issue at a time... its not insomnia's turn yet)  Then the whole 'kick in the butt' that I needed.  I have to admit, it was a little chemically enhanced.  But whatever!  It worked go me moving and the plan is for me to stay on it for another 2 weeks and then he'll start weening me off of it.  So seriously - no lectures for this one.  I know its basically legalized speed - aka ritalin.  And you already know about the zoloft, welbutrin, and synthroid - my thyroid levels are still not normal inspite of the synthroid.  But we are going to wait a year and then re-check. 

Oh and for those of you who missed the PET scan post, I am getting the scan.  Dr. H said if it were her, she'd want them too.  So I'm not going to feel like I'm being a hypochondriac.  Yes, the day/night before the scan, the day of, and then till I get the results - royally suck!  But I really like the 5-6 months afterwards where I feel 'safe'. 

Ok, enough babbling for now!  Tomorrow is Monie's Birthday!  She is turning 34!!!! *sigh* kids grow up so fast, don't they?  So if you see her tomorrow - even if she is a stress ball - make sure you make a funny face at her and say Happy Birthday! 

BTW - the flat tire story I posted a few posts ago was a funny story that Ethel sent me. (I think 10-12 ppl wrote to me asking what the officer said about my 'flashers'! =P)

And today's funny is also from Ethel!  Enjoy!

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter,
 
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't  driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor girl.

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor girl is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila

-----*-----*-----*-----*-----*

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.
 - Walter

Something that is seriously amusing me today...

So... I'm into this new thing of wearing skirts and dresses to work.  So this morning, as usual, I was super tired and in a rush.  I put on my grey sweater dress, tights, and boots.  And I left.  Now I'm pretty sure you guys won't have a clue what the problem is with that... but some of you ladies might.

 

Can we say static??

 

So ALL day everywhere I go... if I walk, my dress starts to ride up b/c I forgot to put on a slip.  Can we say SLIGHTLY embaressing when you are walking down the hall infront of an SE you just met?  So around lunch time, I had brought my lunch but I ran out thinking DUH!  there is a VS in the town center, they will have a slip.

 

Nope!  Apparently VS carries anything but.  Ann Taylor doesn't have them, J. Crew, Gap, Chicos, Talbots, etc. don't either!  I went to every women's clothing store here... NONE of them carry a freaking slip.  I'm guessing that this is sooo much funnier in person!  Too bad I don't have cell reception, or I'd take a picture of how ridiculous this looks and post it.

 

Anyway... it was making me laugh, so I thought I'd share.  =)

My decision...

That was pretty quick.  Thank You to everyone who responded.  I appreciate it.  To be completely honest, I had already made my decision but I wanted to her what others would think or think they would do in this situation.  I know its hard to put yourself in anyone's shoes and really understand how they are feeling and how certain situations effect them.  But thanks for trying.

The part I didn't mention (intentionally) was that after Dr. H told me the details of her conversation with the Med Oncologist, she told me that it was my decision whether or not I wanted to have the scans.  My immediate response was, YES I want them.  Her response was, "If it were me, I'd want them too." 

I guess I wanted to see what you all think you would do.  See if I'm not thinking rationally about this or if I'm being too hypochondriac-al.  But I don't think I am.  As many of you said, I think I'm going to continue getting them twice a year and when *I'm* ready, then I'll think about going to once a year.  I'm just not confident enough in anyone to be able to detect subtle symptoms (I had none except that massive lump) if the case of a recurrence.  I honestly put more faith in a scan that is going to look through my body - perhaps find some false positives, perhaps have to get a few extra biopsies - and show if there are any tumors there.  I just don't understand how the most brilliant doctors in the world could make an early stage diagnosis w/o several symptoms telling them to check for cancer.

Does that make sense?

I am in NO way saying that I don't have faith in my doctors.  I'm just saying that if I'm going to have another cancer similar to the this one, I'd be scared that it too would be caught late stage and perhaps the second time I wouldn't be so lucky.  I'm not being a pessimist or constantly thinking negatively or even about cancer.  I just want to be able to have that amazingly exhilarating sigh of relief when I get a clean scan.  Makes me feel confident that I'm going to be ok.

Make sense?  For those of you who think I'm dwelling too much in the past and not looking forward (and for the rest of you), I have something exciting to share.  I've gone back to school part time.  (Granted I have been procrastinating, but I'm getting back on track)  I'm taking pre-requisites to join an 'Accelerated Nursing as a second degree' program.  My target is to go full time next fall.  Get my BSN, work for a year.  And then go back for a graduate degree to be a Nurse Practitioner.  (Exciting, huh?)  =)

So please know that I'm still making plans for the future and moving ahead with my life. I'm in no way stuck in the 'cancer phase'.  I think I told you all this before.  Dr. H shared it with me (form a collegue who had cancer).  She said that during treatment and for a while after, if your life was a book, 'Cancer' would be the title.  Eventually, it will be come a chapter, and after some more time, a sentence, and then a footnote.  Before I know I was in the 'Cancer' is the title of the book of my life phase.  But I really think I'm moving on to the Cancer being a chapter.  (Haven't fully transitioned, but I'm very steadily getting there!)

Ok... enough of my babbling and insightful thoughts and BACK to studying Anatomy and Physiology! =)